#frownyface

10:12 PM

So, like, I haven't blogged in a week.  Sorry dudes.  It was finals week, or whatever.

I also didn't post two days ago because I was afraid that I would say a few things that I shouldn't.

You should never write when you're angry, right?

...

[twenty minutes later after perusing through pinterest looking at absolutely nothing]









I STILL can't write this post.

and pinterest is really stupid.

Finals...

just suck.

Heresthething.

I've been on this soap box before.  I have a lot of insecurities about academics.  I was always that kid who wanted to go to grad school and wanted to have a career.  I get the whole marriage & kids thing, but I wanted to make something of myself before that (I spent too much time watching ER & The West Wing to want anything less than such a stellar career...)

I don't know what changed from high school to now.  However, SarKar & I have had a few discussions centered around our fears.  My fear is, well, generic.  FAILURE.  But let's get real, everyone's afraid of failure.  What I didn't realize until recently however, is my fear is completely 100% irrational.

I procrastinate.
I often put forth minimal effort, especially on tasks that are more difficult.
I skip class sometimes (sorry Mom, but it's true.  everyone does it.  i promise i'll do better.  and when i got sick that one time, everything just went downhill)

Bottom line is, I fear that if I give something my all, if I give everything that I have to a class (like Physical Science per se... worst class ever) then my best efforts won't be enough.  Subconsciously, I always have the failsafe of "Well, I didn't try as hard as I should have" and "You're right, I only started studying the day before." That way, I don't have to face the devastation of doing my best and working my hardest only to reach mediocrity.

It scares me.

But here I am, my GPA suffering, and I know that I have to make a change.

It's just odd that a little thing like living in Tahiti for two years could screw with me so much.  I would never trade my experiences there for anything, but I do lament my academic 180.  But I'm... like.... socially smart, right?  And I know a lot about... basketball... and movies... Okay, I'm grasping for straws here.

I need to overcome my fear.  Because hey, who knows, maybe if I do give something 100% then I'll succeed or something.  And I guess I'll never know until I find out.

So I'm going to try that.  Or whatever.

...here's Jimmer!

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